Help me, I can’t help myself

Temptation is overcoming me. In fact, my whole problem really is I am not sure if it’s an opportunity or a temptation.  Those who know me, know that at least for my age I am a gadget geek. I love computers, mp3, digital cameras, etc. If it has blinking lights and something I can click on, I like it. Electronic books, however, never quite appealed to me. Unlike most people, however, I am not addicted to the smell, sound or feel of a book, but I do love reading a book. I like its portability. I like the possibility of being able to flip it open at random. I like being able to underline. I like being able to dog ear pages (yes, I know that’s a sacrilege to some folks) and also to be able to be open to two pages at once, glancing back at forth.

When Kindle was announced, I was skeptic. The more I began to “read”(what else would I do, being the reader I am?) on the subject, the interested I became. When we go on vacation we usually haul two boxes of books for our reading. In one small Kindle I could have 2000 books with me. When I have a hankering to read a book in English, I often have to wait 6 months or so, unless I have it shipped to me, paying an arm and leg and still having to wait a month. The very thought of wanting a book, ordering it online and having it in hand within minutes is very appealing to me. (I know that in Brazil I wouldn’t have access to the Whispernet, but I could download them my computer and then transfer them to the Kindle). I already have dozens of “free” books on my computer (classics that are in the public domain). I read them on my computer, but hauling around my laptop is not always so much fun. Everyone says the Kindle really feels like a book in your hand, and you can carry it so conveniently everywhere you go.

However, I resisted the price of $299. That’s a lot of money. You can buy a netbook for that much money. This week, however, the price of a refurbished Kindle 1 dropped to $149 and of a Kindle2 dropped to $219. That’s a pretty big price drop. From my research, I believe I really want a Kindle 2, mainly because the resolution is so much higher and some other features as well. So I put one in my shopping cart on Amazon. (I’ll be in the US in about a month, so I will have my purchase waiting for me when I get there.) My rule of thumb is always to wait 24 hours before closing a deal on Amazon, so that I avoid impulse buying.

So that’s my temptation. Do I spend that much money? Which, will lead, of course, to spending more money, for certainly I will buy more books! My dilemma really is if I am being a pawn in the hand of the merchandisers who have convinced me I need something I don’t really need, or if this will be a useful tool in my life. So “whattal” I do? While I am undecided, I will do nothing (and hopefully they won’t sell out of them – or maybe they will and that will settle the issue). What do you think?

Grumpy, grumpy, grumpy

Because Sundays are “action-packed” for me, I try to leave things pretty organized on Saturday – from leaving the kitchen table set for breakfast to having all our clothes laid out, including “accessories”.  After I was pretty much ready, I put on (or rather tried to put on) my necklace I had chosen to wear. I had untangled it from another necklace the night before since I had dropped the jewelry box and there had been a gold chain collision. When I tried to put on the necklace, it was all tangled. I don’t know how that happened, as I had tried it on the night before and it was fine. But now it was a mess. As it is a very delicate 18k chain, I had to take it easy. When it didn’t untangle easily, I should have just quit and worn something else. But no, I am stubborn, so I went from the bathroom to the bedroom, where there is more light. Off went the glasses so I could see a little better, but the more I worked, the more tangled it seemed to grow. Is there some kind of jewelry tangler gremlin out there? I was quickly on the way to becoming extremely grumpy. While I eventually got it straightened out (although I was all sweaty and irritated in the process), I started thinking about all the things that “make” me grumpy. Do you have a list? Maybe it’s best not to sit down and think too much about such things, but I suspect all of have little things that push our “grumpy” buttons.

Here’s a list of some of my grumpy stuff:

1. People who take the last of anything (last roll of toilet paper, or carton of milk) and don’t replace it (like putting more milk in the fridge or more paper on the roll).

2. People in the grocery store check out (where you have already stood waiting for 30 minutes), who calmly place everything in their cart when the clerk has finished ringing everything up, and then and only then begin looking (very slowly) for their checkbook, or credit card, while I have to wait to begin my checkout. It’s not like it’s a surprise they have to pay.

3. People who want to talk to me, but insist that I drop what I am doing to go over to them. Why can’t they come to me if it’s in their interest?

4. Slow, slow internet connection, especially since I’m paying over $100 a month for the fastest rate possible.

5. Telephones ringing. Any telephone anywhere. But it’s especially irritating when I take the time to go to a store or bank and have stood in line a long time, and then the person who is at home calls and the clerk takes the phone call before helping me who has been waiting.

6. People who call me on the telephone and greet me by saying “Who is this?” I mean if they don’t know who they are calling, why are they calling?

7. Screaming children in public places and parents who do nothing about them.

8. Plastic containers (like tupperware) and their lids in my cabinets. What a mess. They always come tumbling out and I can hardly ever identify what lid goes with what container.

9. Messy bathroom sinks, or water splashed around the mirrors. How much time does it take to dry it off with a towel?

10. My cat (or any cat) kneading me when he/she needs the claws cut. Makes my skin crawl.

11. Anyone tapping on my shoulder, digging the hands into my ribs, etc. to get my attention. For that matter, people who hardly know me, who are all touchy/feely.

12. Emails with powerpoint attachments that say “This is so beautiful”, “this is useful”, etc. especially when I get the same one 4 or 5 times. Or for that matter, emails that pass along dubious or false information that the sender didn’t bother to check out.

13. Banging my head, toes, knees, shin, etc. on furniture.

And that’s all I can think of off the top of my head. I must be a very grumpy person. This has made me think, how very easily irritated I really am. I also realize I need to pray more about demonstrating the fruit of the spirit. And recite regularly, “Do all things without murmurings and disputings” – Phillipians 2:14.

And you, what turns you into Oscar the Grouch?

Paying the Price for Health

As I was reading about the demon possessed man from Gerasenes (Luke 8), I was particularly impressed by the fact that after the man was restored to his right mind, healed in mind and body (what a blessing!), his neighbors and friends begged Jesus to leave. They were terrified by what he had done (I imagine that it didn’t help that a herd of pigs went rushing headlong over a steep bank) in healing the man. If you had asked them, beforehand, if they wanted to see the man cured, I am sure they would have all said yes. However, they wanted that to happen without any sacrifice, any shocking things happening, without any rocking of the boat.

I can testify to the fact, that I too would love to have perfect health without seeing any doctors or taking any meds. I went to the eye doctor last week for my annual check up. She decided it was time for me to do some more serious testing on my eyes, due to my pressure being at the upper limits of normal (which has been the case for many years now). So I left her office with a ream of papers to set up appointments for a field of vision test, retinal mapping, pachimetry, and retinography. A half an hour later, I have all the exams set up. Not just for me, but for João as well, for he also has high pressure. And being Rio de Janeiro, can’t do it all in one place with one doctor on one day. So we have a slew of appointments set up to check out our eye health. I should be happy my doctor cares, that my health insurance pays the exam, that I live in a place that affords  me the opportunity to have this done. Ask me if that’s what I am thinking about? I am thinking about all the hours of my life that are going down the hole while I wait for these exams. I am thinking about the headache I’ll have afterwards (those drops for dilating my eyes always give me a skull busting headache). Oh joy…

You see, I just don’t want to pay the price. I don’t want to be inconvenienced. I don’t want my boat rocked. I don’t like going to doctors under any circumstances, much less going knowing I’ll have tons of tests that will require lots of time. And that, my friends, in my estimation, is the problem with most of our churches. We have lots of spiritual sickness, but we just want our status quo. We long to have a wonderful, healthy church, but we aren’t willing to pay the price for it. So we rest on our laurels of what was once a vital healthy body, trying not to look at the reality of a body that needs some serious healing. Who wants to spend all the effort just to get well? If we just wish hard enough, maybe everything will all be okay. You know, the ostrich head in the sand syndrome.

So we pretend all is well and we slowly waste away. Sad, so sad.

Is it for you or me?

I have been struggling with something and today I put my finger on it. As I was reading the book of Ezekiel this morning, I had an idea, a thought, about something I might write on my blog. Then I thought: “No, that wouldn’t appeal to my public”.  I think I’ve discovered that people like it when I write about things that are happening in my life, but my philosophical or theological discussions don’t hit a high note. That’s okay, for I am certainly no theologian or philosopher. Nor do I have any expectation that my every thought or opinion is all that fascinating. The real question is why I write my blog. Is it for my pleasure in writing, or is to communicate with you, my friends? If it’s just for me to write, then I should write about everything and anything that appeals to me. If, however, my purpose is communicate with you, then I need to consider my “audience” , or as I said once, me and my 35 readers! (Hey, it’s improving, as at one time I only had 8 readers.) I confess I write because it is a creative outlet for me, but the bottom line is I also want you to enjoy what you read. I am ever and always the youngest child of the family that wants everyone to approve of what I do and love who I am.

I mean, I’ve known that about me for years and years. What I realized today, is how that is connected with what is happening with me in my art classes. I have walked out the last two weeks, totally frustrated, to the point of ripping up and throwing out everything I tried to do. What I have always enjoyed, has become horribly stressful for me and I was totally ready to quit. The thing is we were working on learning composition and doing sketches. Sketches, or mine at least, look crummy. And drawing itself is not my strong suit. For a long time now I’ve been focusing on color and copying, and have forgotten how to really draw from life. I had gotten used to “producing”  something that looked good and could “compare”  favorably to what others were doing. I got addicted to being able to show what I had done and for others to like it. But I did that at the cost of no longer risking failure in order to learn. I originally took on art as a challenge to learn something new and suddenly it has become a competition to do better than the other students, as well as the need to “ make pretty” . No wonder it hasn’t been fun anymore. So today I took out a sketch book and decided I am going to start sketching. That means drawing what I see, very quickly and without accuracy or details. In my case, I have to take away the eraser to make me sketch and not draw. It’s like starting all over again. But I think I am on track. I still need to learn and I can only learn by failing – trial and error,  because different from my blog, my art is for me! and different from the gym, it really is true: “no pain, no gain”. So tonight during the Bible study I took out my pencil and paper and sketched. In about 15 min. or less I sketched João and the guy in front of me. Yeah! I did something fast and with NO eraser. I think I’ve started a new phase. Now if I can just learn to accept that it’s me who is learning and not compare my feeble efforts with my very talented cohorts (which is very inhibiting to me), I think I’ll make it to the next level. Sorry guys, but this one really is all about ME!

Black Sunshine

Today as I sat all tucked back into my favorite armchair, reading my Bible and drinking my tea, who should jump up to sit with me (as is her morning custom)? Mia, of course. She wiggled her way around until she was stretched out on my lap, purring away, looking up at me adoringly, begging for some attention. As I petted her so soft, velvety fur, for some reason I began to murmur “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey…”

Then I laughed to myself. Black sunshine. Who ever heard of black sunshine? While I wouldn’t say Mia is my “only” sunshine, she is my black sunshine. Lately she has been more companionable and has been constantly at my side or in my lap. As I look into her eyes, I can’t understand why people are so afraid of or dislike so intensely these animals that were born to be adored! Mia, in particular, brings me so much pleasure as she seems to enjoy lavishing her affection.

João and I began analyzing her peculiar beauty (frankly, I thought her ugly the first time I saw her, but now I only see her with eyes of love). She really isn’t black , but rather coffee or chocolate colored. Her very short fur is so thick you can bury your hands in it. And her fur is so soft, that velvet really is the only word for it.

I’ve never seen a creature beg for attention like she does. The other day she was on the couch beside me and when I got up, she went bounding over to a chair, climbed to the top of it to be near me as I passed. I petted her briefly and moved on, but she followed me jumping up to the top of another chair, stretching out her neck to be petted as I passed by. Now that is needy. And it’s not like she not always sitting on someone’s lap or getting petted. She adores Sissy and Sissy sometimes says if anything happens to Mia she will have to buried with her.

It’s hard to believe she is just celebrating her 2nd anniversary of living with us, for she is so much a part of our family. Next month will be her 10th birthday. Our little British Shorthair deserves quite a celebration for all the joy she brings to us.    

I said I wouldn’t, but I am!

Yesterday I ran across a site with “Cheyenne” episodes. If you are younger than 50 and didn’t grow up with American television, you don’t know what in the world I’m talking about. I loved this TV show when I was a kid (since it ran from 1957-1963, I really was a kid!). I watched an episode today, prepared to think it was pretty stupid and hokey. You know what? I loved it! It was well acted, a good story line and had a great moral to it – if you can ignore all the shooting and dying of the bad guys. João said, I know, you are going to write about watching this on your blog and I said: “Of course not!” The more I thought about it, however, the more I wanted to do so as I remember all those old TV shows I watched as a kid.

There were in fact several westerns, and they alternated weeks. I remember enjoying them. As I watched Cheyenne, I was surprised at what a good looking man Clint Walker was! He really was a hunk, but I guess I was way too young to care about that. The episode I watched had kids in it and I think all of them did, just to attract us little guys to watch the shows. I remember  “Sugarfoot” as being my favorite of all. The main character was cute, as I remember him and he was definitely non-violent. Even as a kid, I never liked guns, killing and violence.

The other show of the group that I really liked was Maverick with the charming and comedic James Garner. I mostly remember he was a great card player and the women liked him. He was always charming himself out of trouble. It was more fun than the others.

I really dislike nostalgia that makes people say that everything was better in the “good old days” and everything is awful nowadays. On the other hand it’s terribly arrogant to think everything we do today is much better quality and more sophisticated than anything in the past. So it’s been nice to strike a happy medium and heartily enjoy an old show. Do they bring back any old memories for you as well?

Songs in the Night

When I was a child, I slept as a child. As you can see in the photo, I slept anywhere, anytime. In fact if they didn’t let me sleep, I would pitch a fit (according to family folklore. I, of course, never remember being anything less than a perfect child). When I became a middle-aged woman (ouch!), I put away childish things – like sleeping anywhere, anytime, anyhow.

As much as I still love to sleep, it sometimes eludes me. I don’t, as a general rule, have any trouble falling asleep, but there are nights that I have trouble staying asleep. They tell me that happens after menopause. It’s not always and I don’t stress about it, as I know if I don’t sleep well one night, the next I’ll make up for it.

But those hours in the early morning, or very late night, as you will have it, can be the loneliest hours of all. It is dark. All are asleep. It is quiet. I want to sleep. Sleep will not return. My mind begins to think “not pleasant” thoughts. Fears run rampart. Worries are multiplied. Everything is bleak, dark and without solution. If allowed to run free, despair and panic could follow suit. My very recent solution has been to turn on my mp3 player, put in the earplugs and listen to the Scripture, for in these hours even prayers will not flow from my lips. As I listen, especially to my beloved Psalms, my heart begins to beat more slowly. My breathing begins to deepen. My mind is freed and my soul is comforted. I sleep. And I know if those dark thoughts come again on another night, God will comfort me with his words,  for “Behold, He who keeps Peggy shall neither slumber nor sleep” -Psalm 121:4 (PSV - Peggy Standard Version).

Today I was inspired to write these thoughts, as I read Job 35:10: “Where is God my Maker, who gives songs in the night?” I was struck immediately by the beauty of the words, even if they were said by one of Job’s useless friends. The guy had good theology, even if he didn’t know how to apply it! God does give songs in the night. Ah, how those words danced in my mind. Maybe I’ll even welcome a night or two without sleep, just so I can hear the songs God gives in the night.

Very Cool!

It’s my understanding that in the US, the fairly new translation of the Bible, the ESV (English Standard Version) is making a big hit. I was thrilled when my friend Franklin brought one back from the US for me. It is a very literal, yet modern translation. I had been progressing very nicely with my McCheyne Bible reading plan I began in January and was really enjoying it. When I hit August, however, our church began a Bible reading campaign (that I was spearheading!) of reading the Bible in 125 days. That’s because our church turned 125 years old. And also because the end of the reading would coincide with “Bible Sunday” on December 13th. I kind of resisted switching reading plans. I had already finished the New Testament, Proverbs and Psalms, and was reading them through a second time. I had finished the historical books and was deeply into the prophecies.

Upon acquiring the new Bible, however, I decided to switch over. Unfortunately I decided somewhere after August 15th, which meant I was far behind in the 125 day plan. I had developed the plan, and it requires a 30-40 minute daily commitment, whereas my current plan was about 15 minutes. Yet, when I looked at it like that, it wasn’t so much. I have been known to sit up all night and read a novel. So I jumped in, trying to catch up by reading 20-30 chapters a day. To help me along in that, I downloaded a dramatized ESV audio New Testament for free! It can be found at the Faith Come By Hearing website. The Revelation recording is just out of this world and I remembered a New Testament prof at the seminary who always claimed this book was meant to be dramatized. I plan on listening a second time to Revelation! I transferred it to my mp3 and suddenly I was totally addicted to reading/listening to the New Testament. I could hardly make myself quit listening.

I also downloaded a paid version of the ESV Old Testament, but found Proverbs, Job, Genesis hard to just “listen” to. So I now go to the ESV study Bible page (when you purchase one of the Bibles you automatically get a free subscription to the online Bible) and opened the Bible and followed along as I listen (they offer that option). Boy does that help my concentration. There is a free site that offers a similar option of listening online and following along. At this ESV page, I found several very interesting Bible reading  plans as well.

Frankly, I don’t like the physical format of the ESV Bible I have. Maybe I just need to get used to. It too thick and heavy and doesn’t lay open on your lap or on a table for that matter. It’s just awkward to handle. I miss my NIV Bible I’ve used for 16 years. It’s all underlined and soft and the pages flip open easily. I find anything I want in the Bible. And since I’ve used this translation since 1982, it’s nearly as comfortable to me as The King James Version. Truth be told, I just don’t like breaking in a new Bible. Do you feel that way as well?

For now I’ll keep using NIV for my physical reading of the Bible and slugging away at the “virtual” copy of the ESV. I may eventually make the transition, or maybe I’ll find a copy of the ESV that easier to handle for “just” reading, with no study notes.

To make things complicated I also have a new Bible in Portuguese (for those who will understand, this is the “Almeida Século 21” version) that our church personalized for our anniversary. My adaption to it has been somewhat easier, although I will confess that even after so many years in Brazil, I just prefer reading the Bible in English. Just lazy I guess, but next year I hope to do 2 complete readings of the Bible, with one being in Portuguese and another in English. Maybe I’ll do them “side-by-side”. What do you think?

Well that’s probably way more than you wanted to know about my Bible reading, but I hasten to add that I wanted to write about this to express how MUCH I love reading the Bible and how the more I read it, the more I want to read it. It really is listening to the voice of God. I can’t imagine why I ever made such silly excuses about not having time. Get real!!!! 30 minutes a day is no sacrifice. It has become my motivation to get out of bed every day as I think of how wonderful it will be to read or hear more of what God has to say to me! How cool is that????

Emergency Room

Yesterday as I walked with João to the gym, just around the corner, I commented I felt kind of funny, like my stomach hurt. Then, as we entered the gym, my hands started to burn and itch. I did exactly one warm up and I turned to João saying I needed to go home, something was wrong. My hands were fire engine red and everything was starting itch. I planned to stop at the pharmacy and get an antihistamine. Didn’t make it that far. About a block from the gym, I told him I couldn’t stand up anymore. I sat down on the curb feeling as sick as I have ever felt. Soon I couldn’t even sit. I had to lay down on the grass as the world swooned around me. And sooner, I just didn’t care about anything as I itched everywhere imaginable and felt like everything was fading away.

It was amazing, as people passed by, all stopped and offered help. One lady insisted to João I could be going into anaphylactic shock and that he must get me to a hospital. They called an ambulance and I awoke enough to say no, because they would take me to a public hospital. So she whistled for a taxi and I tried to get in. Then my world stopped for I was out cold. João said my eyes were totally open, but no one was there. That scared everybody. It took three strong men to lift me into the taxi. How’s that for dead weight? Once I was lying down I reluctantly awoke, for I was having the nicest dream… now I understand why people take drugs. Wow, I felt so wonderful. But soon I realized I was in a speeding taxi, although the hospital was only two blocks away. Got to the emergency room and once again, I couldn’t move, so they managed to sling me onto a cart and rush me in where they immediately applied an injection while João checked me in. Amazing, as by the time he got back to me I was fairly alert and making sense.

They gave me an IV with steroids and then I really came around. In about 90 minutes I was wanting to go home. You should have seen me – all red and covered in hives. Yet within two hours there was only some residual redness on my hands (probably from my digging at them). I was happy to go home and sleep off the effects of the drugs. Other than drowsiness, I was feeling like nothing had happened.

I learned a couple of things from the experience.

First of all, you can’t wish away illness. I certainly tried, by force of will, to be okay and just brush it off or get up and walk away. I just couldn’t.

Secondly, I saw how kind and caring perfect strangers can be, in helping us to know what to do and making us go to the hospital.

Thirdly, I realized that something drastic or bad CAN really happen anytime, anywhere. Life is fragile!

Fourthly, I was reminded how tender and caring my husband is. He was so sweet and patient through it all.

Finally, I will never ever again take Anador (a pain reliever only sold in Brazil) and/or Nasonex together or separately. I can live without the excitement!