Far From the Home I Love

One of my favorite musicals is Fiddler on the Roof. One very hauntingly sad song that has always spoken to my heart is “Far From the Home I Love”, when one of the daughters leaves home in order to be with her husband, who has been exiled to Siberia. The melody and lyrics echo the anguish of one who wanted to be physically home, but also wanted to be close to the one she chose to love. I first heard the song while in high school and it spoke to my heart. I cried the first time and in fact every time I hear the song, or even read the lyrics. When I was 16, I had no idea that the song would be my heart’s cry!

Sunday, during our worship, I was suddenly flooded with a sense of “belonging” like I have not felt in almost three years. I had the deafening realization that I felt like I was “physically” home at my church, in my town. I was happy. I was joyful. I was at peace. Since we are studying the fruit of the Spirit in my Sunday School class and I have been praying over the fruit of the Spirit, I was very keenly attuned to the sensations of joy and peace. Not in the ephemeral way of a temporary happiness and feeling of calmness, but in a deep down soul kind of way. It was in a deep down in my bones sense of being where I wanted to be. If anyone saw the tears on my face, I am sure they didn’t understand, but I couldn’t stop the tears of joy as I finally saw the completion of three years of prayer.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I didn’t want to leave Canada in 2006. I was as  happy as I have ever been in my life and was returning to the one place on planet earth where I had suffered the most and had the least desire to live – Rio de Janeiro. (God does have a good sense of humor, doesn’t He? I have lived in this city longer than anywhere else). I was rather like the little girl who told her daddy she would sit down since he told her to, but that she was still standing up in her “heart”. So I came out of obedience, and prayed for joy and peace in my surroundings to eventually follow.  I felt a lot like the lyrics to the Neil Diamond song: “The road is long with many a winding turn; That lead us to who knows where, But I'm strong”.

I truly believed that the day would come when I would at peace again, but somehow I thought that would not delay so very long. I won’t linger on the details, but confess that the wait was long and not easy for me. I knew all would be okay someday, but was anxious for the day to come when waking up in the morning, feeling tropical heat,  knowing I was in Rio, wouldn’t be quite so painful. That pain of being “far from home” is what little “Hodel” sings about:

Once I was happily content to be
As I was, where I was,
Close to the people who are close to me,
Here in the home I love. …
Oh, what a melancholy choice this is,
Wanting home, wanting him,
Closing my heart to ev'ry hope but his,
Leaving the home I love,
There where my heart has settled long ago
I must go, I must go, I must go,
Who could imagine I'd be wand'ring so
Far from the home I love

So now you understand the tears of joy on Sunday morning when I realized that I AM home, as completely home as I will ever be in this lifetime. It has never taken me so long to adjust to a new home before. I realize some of that is my age, some of it is stubbornness, and some of it is circumstance. It’s been exciting to see how God has worked in my heart, giving me the faith to wait and the hope of knowing the day would come when everything would be all right. It has always been well with my soul, just hasn’t been so good with my heart. It is wonderful to feel my soul reunited with my heart and be at peace. I am still far from the ones I love. I still live in a very hot place. I still am part of a very large church community. I still have to speak my non-fluent Portuguese. None of that has changed. It just doesn’t matter anymore. I love where I am and what I do. I am not just being obedient, but I am joyful in where I am and what I am doing. That is victory!