Happy Birthday to the Reformation

I like this date of October 31st, although perhaps not for the reason you might think. Today is reformation day and it makes me feel strangely happy remembering the courage and integrity of Luther on this day 491 years ago. It's definitely an event WORTH remembering.
I won't comment on Halloween, since I really think it's a worthless commemoration. Just can't get into skulls and candy!
I am happy to report I am back from the US, where I had a great two weeks. I have had a hard time getting back into my routine since I returned and have been exceptionally tired. My joints ache and my nose itches. I think, however, I am just about back to normal. At least yesterday and today I managed to function normally anyway. I tried to hit the ground running, forgetting that I just don't have the stamina for that anymore. Thankfully, however, I am back to exercise and aqua fitness and drinking my vegetable juice and sleeping at night, so feeling energetic shouldn't be far behind.
One of my investments while home is a new computer. It's nice to have a computer that is FAST and doesn't shut down on me. My old one was adequate, but 7 years old, so it was needing some serious reform. I have been working hard to load everything on the new computer. I have set up a new home network and got everything up and running nicely, so now I can think about doing other things, like writing on my blog.
Another investment was buying some art materials and books. Today is my first class since I am back. I actually started my very first pastel drawing with my new materials and am excited as I really like pastels. My first class with pastels was rather disastrous (I had an allergic reaction, which as since not been repeated), so I am pleased to say I have now spent several hours drawing and no hives! I am still in the middle of the drawing, but I wanted to put it up on the blog so you could see that I am using my pastels. When I finish, I'll let you take a look-see. I am a very slow artist (I could never make a living at this), and I have discovered that pastels are not a "quick" medium, as there are a lot of layers. The only part of this drawing that is finished is the vase! I have started blocking in the leaves and daisies, but there is much to be done and today I know my teacher will give me some clues as to how to proceed. Speaking of which, I best get my things organized and head off to class.

Back Home Again in Indiana

I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, but I have left Brazil. Not forever. For 12 days! I have taken a short fall break to visit my family in the states. I love fall. It HAS to be the most beautiful time of the year. Nothing is like a crisp fall day, with the beautiful blue sky, colored leaves and that little "nip" in the air.
I have been fortunate in the week I have been home it hasn't been hot or cold, and no real rain. Just nice blue skies. I arrived home, that is to say my mother's house, on Monday the 13th. I needed a couple days to get unwound from the trip. For the first time in a long while, I actually slept on the plane. My flights all took off and landed on time, so I had a really good trip. I have tried to make this trip different than most, in that I have made it as laid back as possible. I have tried to avoid lots of running around and shopping and just "be".
Thursday my sister Carolyn lent me her car (brave soul, isn't she?) and I drove up to Indy to visit my other sister and niece. We enjoyed going out to eat, driving out to the country to see the leaves and just hanging out some. The photos of the wagon are at a pumpkin farm. The corn patch is in my sister's back yard (her garden) and Megan and I were picking the last couple of tomatoes and playing with the dried up green beans.
I even enjoyed playing with her kitties. Today I came back to Mom's house, where I'll be the rest of the week. I'm not sure what all we have planned for the rest of the week, but I know it will be fun!!!

For the Pastor's Wives

I have done a quick and dirty translation of the short chapter I wrote for the book for Women in Ministry. I had a short space allotted for the chapter, so there was no room to write anything extensive or particularly revolutionary. Still I hope it helps you understand your pastor's wife better. If you want to share it with another pastor's wife, please feel free to do so. If you want to share your thoughts on the subject, just make a comment at the bottom of the blog entry. The book, in Portuguese, will be published in April of 2009, as part of the conference on Women in Ministry. Jill Briscoe will be the keynote speaker. I am looking forward to the event.

Married to the Pastor

I always joke that I married my husband because I liked him as a pastor. I said I was tired of getting used to a pastor and then having to switch after a few years. I solved my problem by marrying best pastor I knew.

Trust me when I say that I like – A WHOLE LOT – being the wife of my husband. I was already engaged in ministry before our marriage, but being a pastor's wife challenged me with an entirely new kind of ministry. From my own experience, and also the experience of others, I can say that being the wife of pastor is a great ministry! I feel that my ministry is to "minister to minister." By that I mean that I support my husband and do everything possible to facilitate his ministry. That is a ministry in and of itself.

Of course, this is a very personal thing. There are extroverted wives, and others who are terribly timid, each doing what she can to help her husband in her own style. Each pastor's wife will serve her husband in a different way. When she ministers well, her husband is a better pastor. I know that when I do my part, my husband can enter the pastoral office with a heart ready to counsel, preach with more joy and freedom, face meetings with less concerns, and visit the sick and troubled more willingly. That is no small thing.

I want to emphasize that no two pastoral couples have the same experience. In fact, every time I change churches, I have to adjust my ministry to that church. Each pastor's wife has a unique ministry, precisely because it is not a role tosimply be acted out. There is no such thing as a “preformed mold” for the pastor’s wife. The person who is married to the pastor is a real-life person who has to shape her own sculpture. Her personality, her talents, her interests, her gifts as well as the style of ministry of her husband will work together to form her unique style of ministry. Right now I enjoy visiting with my husband, helping in worship, standing at the door greeting people, doing administrative tasks for him, but that is who I am right now. In Canada I worked with him on his sermons in English, I led English Bible study, I did the order of worship because those were our needs there. In our other church I did the church bulletin, I led the programs for all the special holidays, did a lot of talks for church groups, and worked on many committees. Ministry evolves and changes according to the needs.

Rewards

As I said, I love being a woman married to the pastor, as well as all of the opportunities for Christian service and the blessings that come with this ministry. There is nothing quite like the happiness that I feel when I attend the worship when the people of God are being edified, knowing that I contributed to that. The satisfaction of seeing adults who were children under our ministry, bringing their children to church to be presented and taught in the church us incomparable. I wouldn’t trade anything for the privilege of holding the hand of the believer who is ready to leave this world to take up residence in heaven, or of comforting those in mourning, to listening to the stories of the elderly, advising young people in dating and then see them in a happy marriage , kneeling to pray with the newly converted, or seeing problems solved with prayer. It is an untold blessing to know that so many in the church are offering prayers for my ministry! To see a growing church, maturing believers, multiplying ministries and feel that my ministry to the minister facilitates this, is extremely rewarding. All this is the magnificent part of being married to the pastor.

The Wonder Woman Syndrome

Unfortunately, there are some few parts in ministry that are not so magnificent. Those are the challenging, the miserable moments. I believe that one of the causes of this misery is when people identify the pastor's wife as the "church's wife." It is a case of mistaken identity. She loses her identity as a person, trying to fulfill a role in which everyone has an opinion of what she should be or do. Someone wrote a joke about it, in the form of a classified ad:

HELP WANTED: Position - Pastor's Wife

Qualifications: soloist and chorister, pianist, children's Sunday School teacher, youth leader, leader of the women's ministry group, director of the special programs of the church (Christmas , Easter, etc.). Knows the Bible by heart, keeps her home impeccable, hosts other pastors and missionaries at home, prepares tea, dinner, lunch for various groups and organizations of the Church, is an exemplary mother with angelic children, acts as a driver for events outside of the church, is able to preach on special occasions, and takes care of the spiritual, emotional, and physical life of her husband. She should be a smiling extrovert, a peace-maker, and ready to work 24 hours a day with problematic, confused and demanding people.
Salary: $ 0.

As a joke, it's all right to laugh! If, however, this is the harsh reality for pastor's wives, you should cry. The woman who is married to the pastor is called, as any Christian woman is, to help her husband, to have intimacy with God, be obedient to Him, let the Holy Spirit develop fruit in her life, study the Word, use her spiritual gifts and talents to the building up of the people of God, be part of the Body of Christ, and witness to Jesus Christ. She is not called to be part of a "package deal" in which the church can have two workers for one salary! She is called to be the woman that God wants her to be!

Many women suffer from the syndrome of trying to be Wonder Woman, but perhaps the wife of the pastor is more tempted to do so. The people of the church believe that she has to know everything that the church is doing, everything that the pastor thinks, has to be present at all meetings and activities, take a thousand and one positions in the church and also maintain a happy family and a beautiful home, in addition to working to supplement the family income. This is the perfect recipe for a nervous breakdown.

Although the wife of the pastor has a ministry to the minister, she should only try to do that what God wants her to do, just like any other member of the Church. I confess that this is not easy for me. My tendency is to try to do everything, because I want to please people. I want the approval of all. I want to be praised. I want to be just as respected as the former pastor’s wives. But that is not a worthy motivation to performing tasks in the church. My need for acceptance and my fear of saying no, is simply the sin of fearing men more than God. Along with Peter I have to learn to say "I must obey God rather than men" (Acts 5.29). I have a duty to teach others this same obedience to God, through my example.

Before coming to the church where we now serve, I felt that I should not accept any position or commitment for at least a year. To be obedient to God, I was obliged to say “no” many times, and suffered in doing so. Although I explained the reason, not everyone understood. It has been a new experience for me to admit that I am not Wonder Woman. For the first time in my life I do have enough time to study the Bible, pray, talk to my husband and take care of my body. I have realized that it is just not worth the effort trying to be Wonder Woman, but it is wonderful trying to be everything that God wants me to be.

Friend of All, Friend of None

Over the years several pastor's wives have advised me to be friends with all women of the church, but to take no one to be my friend, nor to open my heart to church members. It was hard to hear that, because my friends have always been members of my church. I feared I would have to live a life of solitude, with no friends. I doubted the validity of this advice, but I have discovered that it is sound. Even though I know it is true, that doesn't make it any easier to deal with this reality in such a way that it does not generate an unbearable loneliness in my life.

I, like other women, I need friends. In the first years of our marriage, I worked outside the home and my friends were co-workers. When I moved to Canada, I missed my friends. I was in a country and church where I knew no one. My husband has always been and always will be my best friend and that helped. I even adopted a cat (who bore the arabic name Sadik, that means friend), but nevertheless I wanted a friend like Jonathan, who "knitted his soul to the soul of David" (1Samuel 18.1). I asked God for this friend. In time, God sent me several friends. Some were from other churches in my town. I enrolled in a Bible study for wives of pastors of the city. It was exactly what I needed because I found a group where I could share openly. Currently I am taking art classes and this group (attended by other Christians and also pastor’s wives) has been a great outlet. It's very nice to be simply "Peggy" to this group.

The key for me has been to be patient and let God choose the right friends for me. I have seen that while waiting for God to send me friends, I can grow spiritually. I have discovered that God really is quite sufficient for my emotional needs.

Living in the Fish Bowl

On the very same Sunday, I had two people make particularly unpleasant comments to me. One women commented that I should not have cut my hair, and she did not like the color. A man contributed immensely to my self-esteem by noting how much weight I had gained. Made for a great Sunday! Honestly? I was mad and asked myself why they thought they had the right to share an opinion that I did not ask for! Many church members think they have a right to comment on my appearance, my way of speaking (especially my accent), as well as what I do and don’t do. Worse, I have no right to retaliate, because I am the wife of the church’s “angel”.

The paradox of being an easy target for criticism and being on a pedestal at the same time is slightly weird, but it is unavoidable for the pastor's wife because her life is being observed by everyone. In some ways, she is a public figure(on a much smaller scale), like politicians or actors. Although it is difficult to accept, many people do not see the pastor’s wife as a real person. Therefore, they feel they have the right to treat her in a way they would never ever treat their family or friends. It is unfortunate, but it happens. For example, one pastor's wife told me that a church member came into her house, opened the refrigerator, took out yogurt and said: "This is mine, because I paid for it with my tithe." Ouch! Events like these give the pastor’s wife the impression that she is living in a fish bowl, with her whole life open for perusal.

There is nothing we can do to change this mentality, but there is much we can do to deal with it. In fact, any situation is only 10% what actually happens, and 90% how we react to the event. How then can we live, and live well, in our glass house?By learning how to "react" to our fish bowl existence.

A pastor's wife once gave me some advice that has helped me. She said that we have to develop a "thick skin", but maintain a "soft heart." What dids he mean? Simply, we can not let the arrows or the darts of criticism and defamation penetrate and hurt us. Instead we must act as Paul instructed: "When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. " (1 Cor 4.11b-12 a). I confess that this is not my first reaction. But as the old saying goes “people who live in glass house shouldn’t throw stones”. Each time I react "in the flesh", by throwing stones, my glass house is damaged.

We cannot, however, allow the thick skin, to harden our heart, Shutting down to protect ourselves emotionally is never healthy. My husband is helping me with that, teaching me that I have the opportunity to discover how I can love these difficult people with the love of Jesus Christ. I am called to love, not to hate, and that even includes the person who tells me I am fat.

Recently God has taught me that I do not have to be controlled by the criticism or praise of others. It is a liberating discovery! I can never let the fear, nor the praise, be more important than fear of God. Jesus criticized the Pharisees because they "loved the glory of men more than the glory of God" (John 12.43), so I have to be careful not to be more afraid of men than of God. Walking in the spirit maintains my glass house is all in one piece.

Shepherdless Sheep
Some colleagues have shared with me that they feel like sheep without a shepherd, because they cannot see their husband as their own pastor. I confess that I never shared these sentiments, but I can fully understand how this happens.

The wife of a senior pastor told me once that I needed to be a “lightening rod”, listening to the problems of my husband and of the church without sharing with anyone. Frankly, I cannot agree,as I generally share everything with my husband. It is true that I hear some things that do not repeat to my husband, because it wouldn’t edify anyone.If I feel the need to unburden, I look for someone extremely trustworthy with whom I can share. I am not invincible and am not called to "suffer in silence".

I have always treated my husband as my pastor. When I have a biblical or theological question, I talk to him. I ask him to help me in the preparation of my studies. I ask for his advice and prayer when I'm down or scared. I feel well-fed on Sundays during his sermons. I respect his leadership in the church. I feel more like the most blessed member of the church because my pastor-husband is always nearby.If you are unable to see your husband as your pastor, pray for God to change your heart, and take away any word of criticism or disrespect for your husband.

When, however, I feel a little neglected, or overloaded, I try to avoid the role of martyr (not always 100% successful), explaining how I'm feeling. It is not easy to be completely rational in those times (the tears are inevitable), but at least he knows what I'm feeling. I see no advantage in hiding what is really going on inside of me. On the other hand, I try to be understanding when he has a rough week, picking up the slack and knowing that he will do the same for me.

If you feel that your husband is not taking care of you, nor himself, you may have to take a stronger stance and urge him to do more exercise, take more rest, eat healthily, spend more time with the family and arrange a time for "dating "you. Doing so, you will be acting as the pastor of your pastor.

Decrease so he can Increase

One day, after completing a certain task in the church, some people were surprised I was capable enough to do that. That devastated me, so I later called a friend, commenting that the people at church did not see me as a capable person, they didn’t understand who I really am, blah, blah, blah. I finished off the conversation complaining: "I used to really be somebody." She (a pastor's wife as well) sighed and agreed she often felt the same way. I began thinking a lot about this difficulty of living in the shadow of my husband. After much prayer, I came to the conclusion that "I" was the real problem. Not my huband. Not even the church members. I was living an "ego-driven" life.

My ego is a hungry beast always needing food. If I'm not very careful, it takes over everything I do. While psychologists talk about the importance of "self-esteem," God speaks about humility. If Jesus himself took the form of a servant, who am I to be different? That sounds good, but it is not so easy. In fact, when the Kingdom of God is truly sovereign in my heart, my desire is to serve and not be served, honor and not be honored, love and not be loved, give and not receive.Mostly, however, I want my own way, my own desires met, to be the queen bee. My call is to give up "my personal kingdom", where my ego is well fed, to be mere servant of God Almighty.

I confess that this is my biggest challenge in ministry. John the Baptist has become my example in how to do this. I think often of how he had fame and recognition, but never ever promoted his ministry. He always put Jesus first. My flesh, my ego, prefers to receive affection and attention through praise, recognition, fame, awards, etc.. I have to be careful not to use the ministry of my husband as a way of feeding my own ego All I do in ministry must point to Jesus, not to me or even to my husband. It is necessary that Jesus increases, and that I diminish. I think this will be a constant battle in my life. My prayer is that by the end of my good fight as a pastor’s wife I can say with Paul: " I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Galatians 2.20).

Chapter Twelve of Cats are Cool

My Little Rule Breakers

Ka-boom! I heard a noise in the living room and I went running. The clock was on the floor and a stack of books from the bookshelves, had also fallen to the floor. There were magazines scattered around the room. It looked like the room had been hit by an earthquake. I began to call my cats: “Baby, Dolly”. Neither of the cats appeared. They seemed to have disappeared from our house. When I paid close attention, however, I saw that the curtains were a little odd. Upon opening the curtains, I saw two very innocent looking cats staring up at me, as if to say “What on the earth is wrong?”
Although I fully realize that Dolly and Baby are only cats, I have no doubt that they understood, from my tone of voice, that they were in trouble. That’s why they hid behind the curtains.
Something I find fascinating is that the two of them always hide out when they break something or do something they shouldn’t. For example, the two of them are prohibited from jumping up on the dining room table. If, however, I come up on them, very quietly, early morning or during the night, it’s highly likely that I will see two cats sleeping on the table. When they see or hear me, they jump down and run as fast as they can for the opposite corner of the room.
In the same way that Dolly and Baby try to hide their misbehaviour, we try the same thing. No one ever really likes to admit they are wrong, or did something they should not have done. No one finds any pleasure in saying: “I was wrong”, “I was disobedient”. We are ashamed or embarrassed by our wrong-doing. We are afraid of being humiliated or punished.
It’s really hard, I mean REALLY hard, to speak the truth when we are wrong. Our instinct is always to proclaim our innocence: “It wasn’t ME” or “I didn’t do it” or “It’s not my fault”. Others may believe your lie when you say you are innocent, but there is someone who knows that you are not speaking the truth.
God hears all that you say. God knows all you do. God desires for you to always speak the truth, even when it is difficult. God desires for you to act with honesty and courage.
The next time you are tempted to deny your guilt, remember that God wants you to speak the truth. Think: “Am I acting like Baby and Dolly, or am I acting like a child of God?”

Sushi Time

Just to let you know I am still around, thought I'd do a short entry on my birthday yesterday. I thought and thought about what I would do, as being on a Sunday, there's not too much time for activities. But at least we could eat out. So I decided to brave and make an unusual choice. I would try sushi. Since I am on a campaign to eat healthily, even my birthday is no excuse to "fall off the wagon". So I researched and found a recommended restaurant not too far from home and church. I figure, cheap sushi you do NOT want. Sissy was my consultant and fortunately the menu came with photos. I learned that sushi are the rolls and sashimi are the strips of raw fish. I definitely like the sushi a lot better. The photo to the right shows some of the sushi and the tuna sashimi. To the left is a "house" speciality where we went and is really very good. I like everything a lot, except the tuna sashimi, which didn't settle well with me. Sissy agreed.
As for my poor sweet husband, he suffered along, ordering a ramen like dish, which he was surprised to admit was very good and filling. I thought I would be hungry very soon afterwards, but surprisingly the food actually was filling. And just think I was full without consuming many calories. Of course I sort of ruined it by eating some orange strips covered in dark chocolate as a dessert, when I got home. My husband gave just a couple as a treat, for my birthday, and they were really delicious.
It is sort of strange having a birthday on Sunday, as you get lots of hugs and well wishers. Usually, however, my phone rings off the hook all day with greetings, but this year no cards, no calls. I guess everyone knew they would see me at church.
I received a beautiful (live) orchid plant from the church, which I hope to keep alive a long time. I LOVE orchids.
João, with a little help from Sissy, gave me a just perfect dress purse. So unique! And some tropical soaps I have been admiring from afar for a long time (Have you ever had cherry soap? Or passion fruit? Haven't lived yet!) Elly also gave me a great new purse, that is very in style. Is someone trying to tell me that just because I haven't bought a new purse in over 10 years I am out of style????
Try new things. That's my motto for now. Stay in tune with contemporary culture. Grow older without growing OLD. That should carry me through my 56th year.
By the way I am coming along on my writing. I turned in one chapter on Friday and today I should finish the second one. Yipee!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chapter Eleven of Cats Are Cool

I may not have much time in the next two weeks to write much, as I have two chapters of a book on Women in Ministry that are due. There was some confusion as to the due date, so all of the sudden I am very far behind schedule and have to turn in the chapters early next week. That means my blog will probably be quiet for a while. This entry was basically ready, so I am putting it online. No time for photos, however! Wish me luck finishing up my other writing. See you soon...

Ants and Cats Don’t Mix

My house in Brazil had a peculiar problem. Somewhere there was an ant’s nest that we couldn’t find, with the result that I had ants everywhere in the house. The ants even ate through the cement that held my tiles on the walls. If there was even a crumb of food left around, the whole area was black. And these weren’t ordinary ants. They were the kind that bite and sting. More than once I ended up hollering bloody murder when they bit my finger or toes. I had to be really careful to put everything away. Unfortunately, this was a problem for Baby and Dolly. Perhaps you know that cats like to eat a little bit at a time, so you always leave their food out. The ants thought this was just great. It was a wonderful food supply for them. When my cats tried to eat, the ants stung them and they jumped back. Soon they were afraid to eat and began to lose weight.

I had to come up with some kind of solution, but nothing seemed to work, until I remembered that the ants hate water. So I put their cat food in a deep bowl and then set it down inside another bowl filled with water. If the ants tried to get to the food, they had to “swim” in the water. Of course they drowned trying and I had solved the problem. The solution to the ant problem, created another one. Baby and Dolly had long been accustomed to eating out of the same bowl at the same time. This new bowl was deep, but not wide and only one cat could eat at a time. Where there are two hungry cats, watch out!

Since Baby was the biggest, he quickly ran to eat, but Dolly didn’t sit by patiently waiting to eat. She quickly stuck in her paw to pull out some food. (Strangely enough, that is how Dolly likes to eat. She usually picks up the ration and eats it out of her paw.) That irritated Baby who began to growl and before you knew what was really happening, the two of them were fighting. Several times their fighting over the food caused the dish to tip over into the water, which made the food spoil. If I didn’t notice it right away, the two of them went a long time without food.

It seemed as if Baby was thinking something like: “If Dolly gets food, then I lose!” Dolly happened to be thinking the same thing. So they both lost and went hungry. Sometimes it seemed like we were going to have an eternal fight between them. They reminded me of an athlete I heard talking once. She said; “I don’t go into any championship in order to lose. The only thing that counts is winning.” For her there are only two things that happen in a competition. One person wins and the other person loses. That athlete was thinking just like Baby and Dolly.

I, however, think differently. I think that two people can win or two can lose. In the case of my cats, when they fought over the food, both of them ended up losing.

Just to prove my cats are not stupid, they eventually worked out a solution. Now Baby eats first, which makes sense because he is very chubby and is always hungry. While he is chewing his food, Dolly puts her paw into the dish, takes out some pieces of cat food and spreads it around on the ground. She then picks up a piece at a time and eats it as she wishes, while Baby sticks his head down in the dish. The two of them learned to cooperate with another, each waiting their turn. Both of them end up winning, because they can eat as much as they want, without fighting. It is a win-win situation.

If cats can learn to cooperate, why can’t people? Instead of fighting over who is winning or who won the game, why not just have fun and enjoy playing with your friends. Instead of insisting on being first in line, why can’t everyone wait their turn? Instead of having to be right and have things your way, why can’t everyone work together for the best solution to a problem? The Bible teaches us that we “co-workers” together with God (1 Corinthians 3:9). Why can’t we just try cooperating more and competing less? I always find it a lot more fun to be with people who cooperate than with a group of grumpy people who are always fighting. That must be much more pleasing to God’s eyes as well.