Is it for you or me?

I have been struggling with something and today I put my finger on it. As I was reading the book of Ezekiel this morning, I had an idea, a thought, about something I might write on my blog. Then I thought: “No, that wouldn’t appeal to my public”.  I think I’ve discovered that people like it when I write about things that are happening in my life, but my philosophical or theological discussions don’t hit a high note. That’s okay, for I am certainly no theologian or philosopher. Nor do I have any expectation that my every thought or opinion is all that fascinating. The real question is why I write my blog. Is it for my pleasure in writing, or is to communicate with you, my friends? If it’s just for me to write, then I should write about everything and anything that appeals to me. If, however, my purpose is communicate with you, then I need to consider my “audience” , or as I said once, me and my 35 readers! (Hey, it’s improving, as at one time I only had 8 readers.) I confess I write because it is a creative outlet for me, but the bottom line is I also want you to enjoy what you read. I am ever and always the youngest child of the family that wants everyone to approve of what I do and love who I am.

I mean, I’ve known that about me for years and years. What I realized today, is how that is connected with what is happening with me in my art classes. I have walked out the last two weeks, totally frustrated, to the point of ripping up and throwing out everything I tried to do. What I have always enjoyed, has become horribly stressful for me and I was totally ready to quit. The thing is we were working on learning composition and doing sketches. Sketches, or mine at least, look crummy. And drawing itself is not my strong suit. For a long time now I’ve been focusing on color and copying, and have forgotten how to really draw from life. I had gotten used to “producing”  something that looked good and could “compare”  favorably to what others were doing. I got addicted to being able to show what I had done and for others to like it. But I did that at the cost of no longer risking failure in order to learn. I originally took on art as a challenge to learn something new and suddenly it has become a competition to do better than the other students, as well as the need to “ make pretty” . No wonder it hasn’t been fun anymore. So today I took out a sketch book and decided I am going to start sketching. That means drawing what I see, very quickly and without accuracy or details. In my case, I have to take away the eraser to make me sketch and not draw. It’s like starting all over again. But I think I am on track. I still need to learn and I can only learn by failing – trial and error,  because different from my blog, my art is for me! and different from the gym, it really is true: “no pain, no gain”. So tonight during the Bible study I took out my pencil and paper and sketched. In about 15 min. or less I sketched João and the guy in front of me. Yeah! I did something fast and with NO eraser. I think I’ve started a new phase. Now if I can just learn to accept that it’s me who is learning and not compare my feeble efforts with my very talented cohorts (which is very inhibiting to me), I think I’ll make it to the next level. Sorry guys, but this one really is all about ME!