For the Pastor's Wives

I have done a quick and dirty translation of the short chapter I wrote for the book for Women in Ministry. I had a short space allotted for the chapter, so there was no room to write anything extensive or particularly revolutionary. Still I hope it helps you understand your pastor's wife better. If you want to share it with another pastor's wife, please feel free to do so. If you want to share your thoughts on the subject, just make a comment at the bottom of the blog entry. The book, in Portuguese, will be published in April of 2009, as part of the conference on Women in Ministry. Jill Briscoe will be the keynote speaker. I am looking forward to the event.

Married to the Pastor

I always joke that I married my husband because I liked him as a pastor. I said I was tired of getting used to a pastor and then having to switch after a few years. I solved my problem by marrying best pastor I knew.

Trust me when I say that I like – A WHOLE LOT – being the wife of my husband. I was already engaged in ministry before our marriage, but being a pastor's wife challenged me with an entirely new kind of ministry. From my own experience, and also the experience of others, I can say that being the wife of pastor is a great ministry! I feel that my ministry is to "minister to minister." By that I mean that I support my husband and do everything possible to facilitate his ministry. That is a ministry in and of itself.

Of course, this is a very personal thing. There are extroverted wives, and others who are terribly timid, each doing what she can to help her husband in her own style. Each pastor's wife will serve her husband in a different way. When she ministers well, her husband is a better pastor. I know that when I do my part, my husband can enter the pastoral office with a heart ready to counsel, preach with more joy and freedom, face meetings with less concerns, and visit the sick and troubled more willingly. That is no small thing.

I want to emphasize that no two pastoral couples have the same experience. In fact, every time I change churches, I have to adjust my ministry to that church. Each pastor's wife has a unique ministry, precisely because it is not a role tosimply be acted out. There is no such thing as a “preformed mold” for the pastor’s wife. The person who is married to the pastor is a real-life person who has to shape her own sculpture. Her personality, her talents, her interests, her gifts as well as the style of ministry of her husband will work together to form her unique style of ministry. Right now I enjoy visiting with my husband, helping in worship, standing at the door greeting people, doing administrative tasks for him, but that is who I am right now. In Canada I worked with him on his sermons in English, I led English Bible study, I did the order of worship because those were our needs there. In our other church I did the church bulletin, I led the programs for all the special holidays, did a lot of talks for church groups, and worked on many committees. Ministry evolves and changes according to the needs.

Rewards

As I said, I love being a woman married to the pastor, as well as all of the opportunities for Christian service and the blessings that come with this ministry. There is nothing quite like the happiness that I feel when I attend the worship when the people of God are being edified, knowing that I contributed to that. The satisfaction of seeing adults who were children under our ministry, bringing their children to church to be presented and taught in the church us incomparable. I wouldn’t trade anything for the privilege of holding the hand of the believer who is ready to leave this world to take up residence in heaven, or of comforting those in mourning, to listening to the stories of the elderly, advising young people in dating and then see them in a happy marriage , kneeling to pray with the newly converted, or seeing problems solved with prayer. It is an untold blessing to know that so many in the church are offering prayers for my ministry! To see a growing church, maturing believers, multiplying ministries and feel that my ministry to the minister facilitates this, is extremely rewarding. All this is the magnificent part of being married to the pastor.

The Wonder Woman Syndrome

Unfortunately, there are some few parts in ministry that are not so magnificent. Those are the challenging, the miserable moments. I believe that one of the causes of this misery is when people identify the pastor's wife as the "church's wife." It is a case of mistaken identity. She loses her identity as a person, trying to fulfill a role in which everyone has an opinion of what she should be or do. Someone wrote a joke about it, in the form of a classified ad:

HELP WANTED: Position - Pastor's Wife

Qualifications: soloist and chorister, pianist, children's Sunday School teacher, youth leader, leader of the women's ministry group, director of the special programs of the church (Christmas , Easter, etc.). Knows the Bible by heart, keeps her home impeccable, hosts other pastors and missionaries at home, prepares tea, dinner, lunch for various groups and organizations of the Church, is an exemplary mother with angelic children, acts as a driver for events outside of the church, is able to preach on special occasions, and takes care of the spiritual, emotional, and physical life of her husband. She should be a smiling extrovert, a peace-maker, and ready to work 24 hours a day with problematic, confused and demanding people.
Salary: $ 0.

As a joke, it's all right to laugh! If, however, this is the harsh reality for pastor's wives, you should cry. The woman who is married to the pastor is called, as any Christian woman is, to help her husband, to have intimacy with God, be obedient to Him, let the Holy Spirit develop fruit in her life, study the Word, use her spiritual gifts and talents to the building up of the people of God, be part of the Body of Christ, and witness to Jesus Christ. She is not called to be part of a "package deal" in which the church can have two workers for one salary! She is called to be the woman that God wants her to be!

Many women suffer from the syndrome of trying to be Wonder Woman, but perhaps the wife of the pastor is more tempted to do so. The people of the church believe that she has to know everything that the church is doing, everything that the pastor thinks, has to be present at all meetings and activities, take a thousand and one positions in the church and also maintain a happy family and a beautiful home, in addition to working to supplement the family income. This is the perfect recipe for a nervous breakdown.

Although the wife of the pastor has a ministry to the minister, she should only try to do that what God wants her to do, just like any other member of the Church. I confess that this is not easy for me. My tendency is to try to do everything, because I want to please people. I want the approval of all. I want to be praised. I want to be just as respected as the former pastor’s wives. But that is not a worthy motivation to performing tasks in the church. My need for acceptance and my fear of saying no, is simply the sin of fearing men more than God. Along with Peter I have to learn to say "I must obey God rather than men" (Acts 5.29). I have a duty to teach others this same obedience to God, through my example.

Before coming to the church where we now serve, I felt that I should not accept any position or commitment for at least a year. To be obedient to God, I was obliged to say “no” many times, and suffered in doing so. Although I explained the reason, not everyone understood. It has been a new experience for me to admit that I am not Wonder Woman. For the first time in my life I do have enough time to study the Bible, pray, talk to my husband and take care of my body. I have realized that it is just not worth the effort trying to be Wonder Woman, but it is wonderful trying to be everything that God wants me to be.

Friend of All, Friend of None

Over the years several pastor's wives have advised me to be friends with all women of the church, but to take no one to be my friend, nor to open my heart to church members. It was hard to hear that, because my friends have always been members of my church. I feared I would have to live a life of solitude, with no friends. I doubted the validity of this advice, but I have discovered that it is sound. Even though I know it is true, that doesn't make it any easier to deal with this reality in such a way that it does not generate an unbearable loneliness in my life.

I, like other women, I need friends. In the first years of our marriage, I worked outside the home and my friends were co-workers. When I moved to Canada, I missed my friends. I was in a country and church where I knew no one. My husband has always been and always will be my best friend and that helped. I even adopted a cat (who bore the arabic name Sadik, that means friend), but nevertheless I wanted a friend like Jonathan, who "knitted his soul to the soul of David" (1Samuel 18.1). I asked God for this friend. In time, God sent me several friends. Some were from other churches in my town. I enrolled in a Bible study for wives of pastors of the city. It was exactly what I needed because I found a group where I could share openly. Currently I am taking art classes and this group (attended by other Christians and also pastor’s wives) has been a great outlet. It's very nice to be simply "Peggy" to this group.

The key for me has been to be patient and let God choose the right friends for me. I have seen that while waiting for God to send me friends, I can grow spiritually. I have discovered that God really is quite sufficient for my emotional needs.

Living in the Fish Bowl

On the very same Sunday, I had two people make particularly unpleasant comments to me. One women commented that I should not have cut my hair, and she did not like the color. A man contributed immensely to my self-esteem by noting how much weight I had gained. Made for a great Sunday! Honestly? I was mad and asked myself why they thought they had the right to share an opinion that I did not ask for! Many church members think they have a right to comment on my appearance, my way of speaking (especially my accent), as well as what I do and don’t do. Worse, I have no right to retaliate, because I am the wife of the church’s “angel”.

The paradox of being an easy target for criticism and being on a pedestal at the same time is slightly weird, but it is unavoidable for the pastor's wife because her life is being observed by everyone. In some ways, she is a public figure(on a much smaller scale), like politicians or actors. Although it is difficult to accept, many people do not see the pastor’s wife as a real person. Therefore, they feel they have the right to treat her in a way they would never ever treat their family or friends. It is unfortunate, but it happens. For example, one pastor's wife told me that a church member came into her house, opened the refrigerator, took out yogurt and said: "This is mine, because I paid for it with my tithe." Ouch! Events like these give the pastor’s wife the impression that she is living in a fish bowl, with her whole life open for perusal.

There is nothing we can do to change this mentality, but there is much we can do to deal with it. In fact, any situation is only 10% what actually happens, and 90% how we react to the event. How then can we live, and live well, in our glass house?By learning how to "react" to our fish bowl existence.

A pastor's wife once gave me some advice that has helped me. She said that we have to develop a "thick skin", but maintain a "soft heart." What dids he mean? Simply, we can not let the arrows or the darts of criticism and defamation penetrate and hurt us. Instead we must act as Paul instructed: "When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. " (1 Cor 4.11b-12 a). I confess that this is not my first reaction. But as the old saying goes “people who live in glass house shouldn’t throw stones”. Each time I react "in the flesh", by throwing stones, my glass house is damaged.

We cannot, however, allow the thick skin, to harden our heart, Shutting down to protect ourselves emotionally is never healthy. My husband is helping me with that, teaching me that I have the opportunity to discover how I can love these difficult people with the love of Jesus Christ. I am called to love, not to hate, and that even includes the person who tells me I am fat.

Recently God has taught me that I do not have to be controlled by the criticism or praise of others. It is a liberating discovery! I can never let the fear, nor the praise, be more important than fear of God. Jesus criticized the Pharisees because they "loved the glory of men more than the glory of God" (John 12.43), so I have to be careful not to be more afraid of men than of God. Walking in the spirit maintains my glass house is all in one piece.

Shepherdless Sheep
Some colleagues have shared with me that they feel like sheep without a shepherd, because they cannot see their husband as their own pastor. I confess that I never shared these sentiments, but I can fully understand how this happens.

The wife of a senior pastor told me once that I needed to be a “lightening rod”, listening to the problems of my husband and of the church without sharing with anyone. Frankly, I cannot agree,as I generally share everything with my husband. It is true that I hear some things that do not repeat to my husband, because it wouldn’t edify anyone.If I feel the need to unburden, I look for someone extremely trustworthy with whom I can share. I am not invincible and am not called to "suffer in silence".

I have always treated my husband as my pastor. When I have a biblical or theological question, I talk to him. I ask him to help me in the preparation of my studies. I ask for his advice and prayer when I'm down or scared. I feel well-fed on Sundays during his sermons. I respect his leadership in the church. I feel more like the most blessed member of the church because my pastor-husband is always nearby.If you are unable to see your husband as your pastor, pray for God to change your heart, and take away any word of criticism or disrespect for your husband.

When, however, I feel a little neglected, or overloaded, I try to avoid the role of martyr (not always 100% successful), explaining how I'm feeling. It is not easy to be completely rational in those times (the tears are inevitable), but at least he knows what I'm feeling. I see no advantage in hiding what is really going on inside of me. On the other hand, I try to be understanding when he has a rough week, picking up the slack and knowing that he will do the same for me.

If you feel that your husband is not taking care of you, nor himself, you may have to take a stronger stance and urge him to do more exercise, take more rest, eat healthily, spend more time with the family and arrange a time for "dating "you. Doing so, you will be acting as the pastor of your pastor.

Decrease so he can Increase

One day, after completing a certain task in the church, some people were surprised I was capable enough to do that. That devastated me, so I later called a friend, commenting that the people at church did not see me as a capable person, they didn’t understand who I really am, blah, blah, blah. I finished off the conversation complaining: "I used to really be somebody." She (a pastor's wife as well) sighed and agreed she often felt the same way. I began thinking a lot about this difficulty of living in the shadow of my husband. After much prayer, I came to the conclusion that "I" was the real problem. Not my huband. Not even the church members. I was living an "ego-driven" life.

My ego is a hungry beast always needing food. If I'm not very careful, it takes over everything I do. While psychologists talk about the importance of "self-esteem," God speaks about humility. If Jesus himself took the form of a servant, who am I to be different? That sounds good, but it is not so easy. In fact, when the Kingdom of God is truly sovereign in my heart, my desire is to serve and not be served, honor and not be honored, love and not be loved, give and not receive.Mostly, however, I want my own way, my own desires met, to be the queen bee. My call is to give up "my personal kingdom", where my ego is well fed, to be mere servant of God Almighty.

I confess that this is my biggest challenge in ministry. John the Baptist has become my example in how to do this. I think often of how he had fame and recognition, but never ever promoted his ministry. He always put Jesus first. My flesh, my ego, prefers to receive affection and attention through praise, recognition, fame, awards, etc.. I have to be careful not to use the ministry of my husband as a way of feeding my own ego All I do in ministry must point to Jesus, not to me or even to my husband. It is necessary that Jesus increases, and that I diminish. I think this will be a constant battle in my life. My prayer is that by the end of my good fight as a pastor’s wife I can say with Paul: " I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Galatians 2.20).