See You Later, My Little Flower

I don’t want my blog to be a one note samba, focusing on loss or pain or anything like that. Right now I am suffering together with a dear friend who is facing the impending loss of baby (fetus of 3 months), unless God decides to perform a miracle. At the same time another old friend found a text that I wrote the night I lost my first baby. The two moments came together for me as I reread the text for the first time in many years. I had long lost the text. I decided to translate it into English. It is very unpolished – on purpose – so you feel how the words tumbled out of my heart into my mind that night.

So Long, My Little Flower

It was such a happy day. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. I felt like Sarah when she heard that she would have a child. I showed the test results to my husband, with the big positive sign. It was a surprise – a big one. We hadn't exactly planned the pregnancy, but we hugged, I sat in his lap and our dreams about Johnny began. We called him Johnny because while we dated, we joked about how one day we would have a child and call him Johnny.

In my heart of hearts, I dreamed of having a child, but was fearful that this just wasn't possible. God had already given me one miracle. After I had long decided I would never find love, God sent me the great passion of my life. Imagine, a “girl” of 40 marrying for the first time! If God could perform this miracle, what else might he have in store for me?

Apparently something quite exciting, as on July 19^th my husband and I shared the joy of knowing that God had blessed our 7 month marriage with a child. We called our families that very day to let them know. Little by little others heard and all were joyful with us.

Then August 19^th arrived. The day in which we had to say goodbye to our little Johnny. He had already gone to be with Jesus some days, we just didn't know yet. I was totally alone when I read the cold hard words of the ultrassound, “Pregnancy Ended”. I understood but one thing: “We had lost our child”. The pain caught me by surprise and I gasped for air, as the wave swept over me, bringing a storm where there had been peace just seconds before. Johnny was gone. My tears and sorrow weren't gone. It seemed as if the tears had come to live with me. Each time I had to explain it again, it hurt even more, making the nightmare a reality, make his death more real for me. It was too real for me.

The word spread quickly and everyone was gentle and kind with me. I knew my friends were suffering with me, but I could only cry even more. When my husband arrived at the office to take me home, my heart opened to receive his love and he held me in his arms. He said to me: “There is no dam to hold back your tears now”. For once I had no words. I didn't even want to talk. I just wanted to be with him to assimilate our loss.

I believe, with all my heart, that God gave us this very dear present. I will remember, always, our month of dreams, plans and joy, like a great treasure. It was fun to imagine our child. It was an unexpected joy. And all the pain of the loss can never rob us of the joy we felt for that short time.

My husband always calls me his flower. I answer him back by saying that I am the flower in his garden and he is my gardener. I understood that the result of the love between a flower and a gardener was a tiny little seed. And when that seed began to germinate, even while a tiny little bud, before he could blossom, he left our happy little garden.

Soon I will be healthy and strong again. One day I will be joyful and happy again. In fact I will be stronger, healthier and happier because now I walk where I have never walked before. I have learned that wherever I walk, even in intense pain, God goes with me. For the first time I begin to understand the “valley of shadow of death” and it has a deep meaning for me.

I am still my husband's flower and our love will be deeper and more powerful as we walk together in loss and love. We will share the power and strength of our love with others who also weep.

I don't know why our little Johnny stayed with us for such a short time. I wish he were still here! I so wanted to see what kind of flower he would have been. But now he is in a more beautiful garden, happier and more perfect than ours could ever be. I leave my child with One who loves him as I never could. Good-bye my little flower that never bloomed. You are no longer min. I loved you. I wanted you so much and so anxiously awaiting your arrival. I miss you already. One day I know I will understand better, but for now I cry. I never wanted to say these words, but I must say good-bye. So long, my little flower.